I’m mad.

Don’t worry. It’s for a silly reason. But I am mad. And annoyed. Okay I’ll grow up. Nope … Im gonna stay mad. I feel like going to bed angry. Ha.

I need a life …

It was a Friday night. A Holiday even. Best Friend was at a basketball game with her man (I’ll give him the name Statham cause that’s who he looks like.), Juan was doing his own thing, other roomies were off with boyfriend or friends and then I realized all of my other friends live outside of Logan or are married. So, what did I do last night? I watched Community and Bones, tried to write some but felt sleepy from a long day at work. And then went to bed at like 9:20. Which sadly explains me being up by 6am. Everyday I literally spend close to 12 if not longer hours a day at the high school. I come home exhausted, I veg and then go to sleep. I don’t have many friends. And that’s fine. I just … sometimes I miss the Chelle, Seanzie, Grant … I miss them so much. Of course, they are all married. And what am I? I will tell you. I am more comfortable hanging out at rehearsal with my high schoolers than going to church activities. I feel like I belong at the high school more than at salsa or country dancing. I am a teacher not a college student. And I am in this college, Mormon town and I feel so out of place all the time. So, I should move as everyone tells me to. But I’d just be moving alone. With no one. And to where? Where would I possibly go? And I’d be leaving the one thing that makes me feel worth something. Teaching is my life right now. I feel like the kids need me. I feel like I am making a difference. That I’m doing good. You can say … that will happen anywhere. And you are probably right but here’s the thing … the students become your kids. And as a drama director I have the same students for years and I have these sophomores and juniors who are improving and getting involved and the thought of abandoning them to who knows who they will hire … the program is so small and having money issues and I am pulling it out of the whole it has been in for so many years. How can I stop my work now?
I’m not a good gambler. Really, I lose all the time when I take risks and I just have a hard time believing that my life would … be how I really want it … anywhere else. And yes, I have prayed. But I don’t know how open I really am to any answer because I am scared of both of them. I need to … I don’t know. Go on a cruise. Ha. Clear my head. And then a miracle would be nice.

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