I say something nice about Obama on facebook and people make snide remarks. I don’t make snide remarks when they talk about political people they like. Unless, I am dissing someone they like … I’d rather they keep their opinions to themseleves. It probably wouldn’t bother me but I’ve been living in UT for so long that 98% I hear crap about a President I actually like. And most of the time I can’t say anything. I’ve had past roommates who wouldn’t let me speak my opinion. My students are constantly bashing on him and I feel like I can only say so much. People are so negative about him and usually all they can say is “we are in debt” … well guess what we were in debt before that and went through an economic crisis. Now, I’m no economic genius so I feel I can’t really make a valid argument here for or against … but one I’m sure Obama has advisors that know more than most of the population here in UT and two, even if the debt is really really bad there are other issues involved. And what Obama says on education is great! And guess what I care alot about education. And frequently Republican candidates (not all) do not have super great education views. Seriously. Okay, I’m done ranting. Ha!
My Grandfather
For Christmas I was given a book of letters from my Grandfather to his family while he was in service during WWII. This was a special treat for me for two reasons. One, I love history. Two, I have always felt this connection to my Grandfather. He died when my father was two from a heart attack. When I was a little girl I used to imagine having conversations with him. Once, I was writing a paper about my Grandpa (who is happily still living) and I suddenly felt very sad that I never got to meet my Grandfather. I was sad because I never got to hear him say that he loved me. But then I had this overwhelming feeling that he loves me so much. And ever since we moved to my Grandfather’s hometown … my place of peace and meditation has been his gravestone … which may sound morbid but it isn’t at all. I go and sit by him and tell him all of my concerns and joys. For instance, when I broke up with Seanzie, I went and cried at his grave until it was dark and my father came and found me. My point is I love the man. The truth is I don’t actually know him very well. These letters were so exciting for me. And now I just want to know more. I want to know everything to his favorite food, first kiss, sense of humor, favorite scripture character, his temper, his laugh … And now I am kicking myself for not asking my Grandmother more questions about him before she died. I really only knew that he was an entomologist/teacher/ rock collector/ basketball player. Now, I know a few more things from the letters. I only have two stories about him. The one where he asked my grandmother to the dance and she thought he was just asking if she thought it would be fun to go in general. So when he came to pick her up she was not even close to being ready. And then I remember Grandmother told me the story of when he proposed she told him he had to look at her feet first … she felt self-conscious about her flat feet. Of course, he still wanted her. : ) I just really wish I knew more. I’m not a big family history person but for some reason Grandfather has always intrigued me. I want to know his successes and mistakes and really just everything. I love the man so much.
http://pinterest.com/ Okay this website is fabulous. I am terribly addicted. Renbeth if you are reading this I so think you would enjoy looking at this stuff.
New Years Resolutions … is there a point?
I mean let’s be honest … we all make them but do we ever keep them after the first week or month? This sounds super pessimistic but bear with me cause I actually do feel we need them. We probably just need them more often. New Years allows us to reflect on the year … see what we liked and what we didn’t like and it helps us to see what we want in the future. For instance, one of the most common New Years Eve goals is to lose weight, eat healthy and exercise regularly. There is always a new herd of members at a gym right at the beginning of the year. I’ve been one of those people. Then life happens and my regular workout turns into once a week if I’m lucky or one week in the month I do really well but there is no regular about it. However, because I made those goals in the first place great things have happened … allow me to explain. Last year around this time of year I lived by myself, I had just experienced a break up and I didn’t have any close friends nearby. I was very alone. However, I had a new urge to work out and be healthy. I decided to go to Zumba (the gym was a waste of money because I didn’t love going) so I invited Best Friend (who I didn’t know very well) to go with me. And now she is one of the closest friends I’ve ever had. Do we go to Zumba regularly anymore? No, we are lucky if we go once a month. But I built a friendship thanks to making a resolution to get out there.
I feel like resolutions give us opportunities. And if we are awesome enough to follow through with them we get deep satisfaction. And even if by the end of the year we didn’t keep to the goal maybe we met that one person, or read that one book, or painted that one drawing, or went on that one trip that has shaped us more than if we had decided to screw resolutions altogether and do nothing. The possibility and likely hood of failure should never stop you.
The last couple years my resolution has been “Be kind to yourself.” I got this idea from one of my favorite books, The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver. I liked it because I felt that it encompassed everything I wanted to improve on physically, spiritually, socially, etc. But this year I think I would like to be more specific. I am keeping with my goal to be kind to myself but I’d like to make a list of ideas on how to do that. And maybe I won’t be completely successful but I feel like anything I actually do will be a success and it will force me to think about it and maybe try more.
How I will be kind to myself this year
1. Read one book per month (I got this idea from my sister who is amazing and has done a book a week goal the last couple years… I’m a slow reader but I also hate that I only read during the holiday break and summer. So instead of a book a week I am gonna try a book a month.)
2. I am going to work out twice a week (whether it is zumba, or taking a walk, or riding a bike, playing soccer or another sport etc.)
3. I am going to take a dance class and keep with it regularly.
4. I am going to try and write at least 1 letter per month (sounds weird but I suck at actually writing letters and I think it would be a good thing)
5. I am going to go on at least 6 dates this year. (This is my bold one. Ha.)
6. I am going to try and do the whole sugar only on weekends things.
7. I am going to keep a journal (and try to maybe write in it at least once a week).
8. Every week I am going to try a new recipe I have never done.
9. I am going to do my visiting teaching (ha ha … or try to really hard.)
10. I am going to take risks (whatever that means … I have been wanting to go to Vegas.)
Okay there is my list of ten things. I am sure there are other things but I figure I shouldn’t overdo it. And maybe instead of being an annual thing I should look over my list once a month and see how I am doing or see if there is something that needs more attention, etc. I don’t reflect as much as I think I should. I whine, complain, pity myself, etc. And I just think it is time I take my life more into my own hands than I have before. I need to stop waiting for it to all work out and make it all work out. With God’s help, of course. 
How I Met your Mother quote
Ted (talking to Barney): Don’t tell me you don’t have a list of all the women you have slept with.
Marshall: I have one. It’s called my marriage license. (Then he and Lily high five, Gosh I love this show. Marshall and Lily are my favorite.)
How I Met Your Mother, Las Vegas and yeah
Lately, I have been on this huge How I Met Your Mother kick. Netflix has seasons 1-6 up and I have been watching an episode or three every day. I am in love with the characters (except Robin. She’s just okay) and I think the writing is witty, clever and fun. I also like the concept of five friends who hang out all the time. I even like that they have a hang out spot (even if it is a bar). Reminds me Friends in the coffee shop. I can’t say how much I want a group of friends like that. I like that it’s not weird with Marshall and Lily who are married. I like that they do random stuff and support each other. I am so envious of this tv show. I don’t have anything close to that. I really only hang out with two people. Juan and Best Friend. Juan has other friends he likes to chill with and Best friend has a Boyfriend. So this means I spend most of my time alone. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m cool but … yeah. Here is the thing … I feel so out of place with college students in general. So out of place. And then at work everyone is married with kids and I know they don’t mean to but i feel out of place with them too. I live in Mormon country where 26 is old and if you aren’t married 26 is not old enough. I have been stuck in limbo for about 4 years. And I don’t know how to find people like me. I’m rare. Ha. And I can’t go hang out at a bar. Although sometimes I feel like I would be more at place there. Not because of the drinking but more that the people wouldn’t make me feel like a an old loser/ failure. I need a Barney in my life who tells me not to get married and to “Suit Up” so we can go do crazy things. I need a Marshall and Lily who keep me hopeful but don’t rub it in my face that they are married and I’m not. I need a Ted, who wants what I want just as much as I do. We could whine to each other. Ha. And I even want a Robin … who is just random. I don’t know. I guess I want friends. Wow, I sound majorly pathetic right now. But who cares. I still want it. I want to be around adults who are my age who have a career and who aren’t weird … like socially awkward weird where you are like “Oh that’s why they aren’t married” See which is horrible. I really don’t like this part of Mormon culture where I live. Cause I don’t think it is like this with Mormons in other places. So move, Sarah. Ha, right. I’ll just pack up, get another job and move by myself to where? North Dakota? And I’ll just pick history or drama to teach because the chances of me getting another job where I teach both is so fat and slim. And I’ll pray that my over all faculty and staff will be as wonderful. And I’ll just pray that I actually do move to a place with single Mormons my age. And I’ll hope that I actually meet some buddies instead of just literally being all alone and not having family or Best Friend. Ha ha. That sounds like a risk I want to take all alone. Ahhhh. Oh the constant debate in my head. It’s gross. But back to happy things. I saw a clip of President Eyring saying that BYU-I graduates would go on to be legen … wait for it dary. i was so happy. I wanted to do the whole high five but I was alone in the room. Anyway, I love the show.
So, I’ve been so stressed with work, and that constant debate in my head about going or staying and with feeling just out of place everywhere except at my parent’s home and with my students and … I decided I need to get away so badly. I was thinking Las Vegas. No joke. It’s not typical for me and I need not typical. Of course, once again I’d probably have to go alone. Best Friend doesn’t seem to think going alone to Las Vegas would be wise. But staying here in Logan and being alone for New Years sounds so completely depressing. I don’t want to push my way into other peoples’ New Years Plans either. I thought of visiting Best Friend and I’ve talked about it with her. And of course, she was like “Come” but then I’m like … she wants to be with her man for New Years what was I thinking? I don’t want to come be that annoying third wheel that invites herself into their plans. Maybe I could go visit some extended family. And this sounds so bad and I don’t mean it to … But most of my cousins my age are married and most of them with kids and that just sounds a little depressing to me … I want to get away from feeling like a failure for a couple nights. I’m so happy for them and I love love love spending time with them but I just need a break from being the only single one around.
I’d go visit Renbeth because her house is always an escape for me. I love seeing my nephew and playing games/ talking with Renbeth and Gretchen and eating good food. But I’m poor.
So, I feel at a loss. I invited Juan to Las Vegas offering to pay but he didn’t seem to keen on the idea. I think he’d rather spend New Years Eve with his friends than with his sister. So, maybe I will risk it and just go alone. I just can’t be here this year. I really just need out of Utah for a couple days to clear my head. So yeah.
Feeling, old, tired and cranky
I have this roommate … lovely girl … (we’ll call her Marsha) but she likes to throw parties at our house and she likes to throw them on school nights and she and her friends like to be loud and hang out in the kitchen which is right next to my room. And it makes sense. She’s in college. And she has a social life. I get it. But oh my goodness … I am just like please go upstairs, stop laughing so loud, etc. I sound so lame, huh? I feel old. Not old old. But I am not in the college scene anymore. I have a career. I have responsibilities and I have to teach and grade and plan and direct all day long and I need my fetching sleep. I find having roommates again is so difficult. I love living with Best Friend (she is marvelous and makes me so happy– and she is why I moved in with roomies in the first place) but next year I need to be on my own again. It may have been lonely but at least I didn’t have to deal with anyone else but me. And I find that my loneliness is deeper than whether or not I have roommates. It’s not that my roommates aren’t great … I just am … I don’t know. In some weird limbo that I can’t get out of.
Oh my gosh it’s like they chill right next to my door. AHHHHHHHHHHH! So mad. Really? Really? There are so many other places they could fetching go. The best part is I can hear my roommate shhhing them but they are still being loud and then I heard someone say “How old is she?” and another person say, “Old enough to get over it.” Oh I need my own place so bad. Maybe they weren’t talking about me but it doesn’t change the fact that I want out. Best Friend is the only one keeping me here. If it weren’t for her I’d try to sell my contract and get out. At least she keeps me sane. Yay for Best Friend.
I wonder …
Sometimes I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to live out the end of a chick flick and have this really attractive, charming, guy walking towards me and knowing by his little smile that I am what he wants. And then he comes and says something just perfect and then he kisses me and I know I have the happily ever after. Ha ha. Yeah …. I know, A little ridiculous. Doesn’t mean I don’t want it. : )
I’m mad.
Don’t worry. It’s for a silly reason. But I am mad. And annoyed. Okay I’ll grow up. Nope … Im gonna stay mad. I feel like going to bed angry. Ha.
I need a life …
It was a Friday night. A Holiday even. Best Friend was at a basketball game with her man (I’ll give him the name Statham cause that’s who he looks like.), Juan was doing his own thing, other roomies were off with boyfriend or friends and then I realized all of my other friends live outside of Logan or are married. So, what did I do last night? I watched Community and Bones, tried to write some but felt sleepy from a long day at work. And then went to bed at like 9:20. Which sadly explains me being up by 6am. Everyday I literally spend close to 12 if not longer hours a day at the high school. I come home exhausted, I veg and then go to sleep. I don’t have many friends. And that’s fine. I just … sometimes I miss the Chelle, Seanzie, Grant … I miss them so much. Of course, they are all married. And what am I? I will tell you. I am more comfortable hanging out at rehearsal with my high schoolers than going to church activities. I feel like I belong at the high school more than at salsa or country dancing. I am a teacher not a college student. And I am in this college, Mormon town and I feel so out of place all the time. So, I should move as everyone tells me to. But I’d just be moving alone. With no one. And to where? Where would I possibly go? And I’d be leaving the one thing that makes me feel worth something. Teaching is my life right now. I feel like the kids need me. I feel like I am making a difference. That I’m doing good. You can say … that will happen anywhere. And you are probably right but here’s the thing … the students become your kids. And as a drama director I have the same students for years and I have these sophomores and juniors who are improving and getting involved and the thought of abandoning them to who knows who they will hire … the program is so small and having money issues and I am pulling it out of the whole it has been in for so many years. How can I stop my work now?
I’m not a good gambler. Really, I lose all the time when I take risks and I just have a hard time believing that my life would … be how I really want it … anywhere else. And yes, I have prayed. But I don’t know how open I really am to any answer because I am scared of both of them. I need to … I don’t know. Go on a cruise. Ha. Clear my head. And then a miracle would be nice.
